The National Center for Health Statistics data show that during the years 1981-1990, there were a total of 24.27 million marriages in the United States. For that same time period, there were 11.75 million divorces. That gives a 2.07:1 marriage to divorce ratio. The provisional data for October 1999 indicates that during the 12-month period between October 1998 and October 1999, 0.85 percent of the US population got married, while 0.41 percent got divorced. This is also a 2.07:1 ratio. These data strongly suggest that unless something drastically changes in society, close to half of all people married today will eventually get divorced. That sucks, doesn't it? Now think about this: when two people get married, they essentially make a promise to each other (and usually to God also) that they will remain together for the rest of their lives (what God has bound, let no man separate). But about half of them eventually break that promise and leave each other. So why are people so bad at staying together? In truth, there are so many different specific reasons why people break up that I couldn't even hope to think of them all. However I believe that the situations leading to almost all divorces and break-ups can be generalized so that their root causes come from a very small number of specific skill deficiencies. I will offer here explanations of three of the most important skills which I believe are necessary for a successful long-term relationship. Number 1: Maturity OK, let me just say this: if a person's life is in shambles, what that person does not need is an intimate relationship with another person. To many, a relationship is an escape, to avoid truly dealing with, understanding, and managing life. This is a very destructive situation, because relationships (specifically bad ones) drain a person's time, brainpower, and spirit. I understand that living alone is scary, and sucks in its own fashion, but being alone offers the advantage of greatly accelerated personal growth and understanding. Now I'll tell you the bottom line; you've probably heard this before, but I need to emphasize how true this is: before a person can be a happy partner in a successful relationship, he or she MUST be a happy and well-adjusted individual by him or herself. I'm not trying to say that one's life has to be perfect, as nobody's life is perfect. I think it's good to be mostly happy with your life circumstances and goals, honest with yourself and others, and dedicated to personal progress. Then you will have the necessary foundation upon which to forge the skills and attitudes necessary for building a truly inspirational and uplifting relationship that will last until death do you part. Number 2: Honesty Honesty is highly underrated. If you want your relationship to work for the best in the long term, both you and your partner need to be honest, accepting, and understanding of each other. Consider this chain of events: dis-honesty (in person A) produces ignorance or suspicion in person B. This leads person B to a fear of person A, or of the situation. Fear produces mistrust, and then all kinds of problems occur in this relationship. So why would a person be dishonest? Again, the most likely culprit is fear. Consider this hypothetical situation: Bob and Sue (married for 5 years) are walking along at the state fair, and Bob's eye happens to catch upon a cute little 23 year old woman strolling nearby in a bright, short tank top. Feeling trapped in his imaginary chains, Bob quaffs the sight and thought of this escape, while Sue happens to catch his gaze. Sue's insecurity regarding herself necessitates an intense glare at Bob, which is quickly observed (and feared) and deflected with a misleading comment, "Wow, look at that roller coaster!" Granted, nothing will probably happen with the girl in the tank top at the fair, but it's likely that this situation could proceed to an inappropriate relationship at the office, or something worse. The moral of this fictitious story is that it is important to be understanding, to create an atmosphere which is friendly to honesty. Thus it is easier for a partner to be secure in your relationship and thus more honest. It's irrational to expect that your partner will never in any way to attracted to another person. But, if you choose to be secure in your own worth, your relationship's value, and the fleeting nature of physical attraction, then it's easy to be understanding about these situations and sustain a happy and cage-free relationship. Even in the absence of such an understanding partner, honesty is imperative. Dishonesty merely prolongs the inevitable and creates mistrust, which leads to more problems. Finding the courage to appreciate and exercise the value of honesty regardless of the situation is a huge key to the success of any long-term relationship. Number 3: Communication Communication is also highly underrated and misunderstood. As groups, men and women mis-understand and propagate more mis-information about each other than any enemy nations! Most men and women just don't consider the differences between their communication styles. That's the reason why one person can attempt to relay a specific idea or feeling to another, and her partner completely misunderstands the meaning of the message and feels a totally different feeling. It's ironically funny and sad to listen to an argument between two people, when each person completely mis-interprets what the other person is saying. The moral of this story is that it's invaluable to understand the differences between male and female communication styles. This knowledge will allow a person to 'filter' his partner's communication, so he understands her true feelings. Then, understanding, empathizing, and loving her, he won't become angry and defensive for no apparent (to her) reason. There have been volumes written about the subtle differences in gender communications; there's no way I can do justice to the subject here. If you want to learn more, drop me a line and I'll hook you up with the info.